Synopsis
Amber Bryant and Tyler Hicks have been best friends since they were teenagers—trusting and depending on each other through some of the darkest periods of their young lives. And while Amber has always felt that their relationship is strictly platonic, Tyler has long harbored the secret desire that they might one day become more than friends.
Returning home for the summer after her college graduation, Amber begins spending more time with Tyler than she has in years. Despite the fact that Amber is engaged to her college sweetheart, a flirtation begins to grow between them. One night, fueled by alcohol and concerns about whether she’s getting married too young, Amber kisses Tyler.
What happens next will change them forever.
In alternating points of view, It Happens All the Time examines the complexity of sexual dynamics between men and women and offers an incisive exploration of gender roles, expectations, and the ever-timely issue of consent. (Goodreads)
Returning home for the summer after her college graduation, Amber begins spending more time with Tyler than she has in years. Despite the fact that Amber is engaged to her college sweetheart, a flirtation begins to grow between them. One night, fueled by alcohol and concerns about whether she’s getting married too young, Amber kisses Tyler.
What happens next will change them forever.
In alternating points of view, It Happens All the Time examines the complexity of sexual dynamics between men and women and offers an incisive exploration of gender roles, expectations, and the ever-timely issue of consent. (Goodreads)
Though the synopsis above seems to want to keep an air of suspense, I think it's important to state that this is a book about rape. It's one of those things that doesn't feel spoiler-y to say, especially since this book is not an easy read and anyone who is triggered by these kinds of stories should know this so that they can avoid it or proceed with caution. That being said, I feel like I can't review this book without going into a bit more detail, so there will be some spoilers below. If you want to read this book, and I recommend you do if rape culture and consent are issues that you feel strongly about, then feel free to come back after you've finished!
Amy Hatvany made a choice to tell the story from both Amber and Tyler's perspective, and it was a bold and smart move. We get to know both characters before and after the night that ruins everything and, while it certainly doesn't help justify any behavior, we get a bit of insight into what the hell is going on in Tyler's mind and why Amber is so afraid to speak up about what has happened to her.
Tyler
An important thing to know about Tyler is that he suffers from a crushing anxiety that he chooses to relieve with high-energy activity. Exercise is an obvious course of action, but he also drives recklessly and seeks women out for the release he craves, both of which have the potential to be extremely harmful. Tyler's father is one of those men who sees women as the lesser sex and regards any sort of sensitive emotion as "girly". He is consistently telling Tyler to "man up". This sort of upbringing would have an affect on any gender and how that person perceives the world and themselves. Though Tyler strives to be the exact opposite of his father, the consistent echo of being seen as weak in his father's eyes keeps him from getting help for his severe anxiety.
None of this is meant to excuse Tyler's actions, but it is an example of how we should teach our children to learn how to interact with their emotions. It's okay to seek help for anxiety, it's okay to cry, and it's important to remember that men and women are equals who should respect each other. If Tyler had had a different sort of upbringing, he might not have made the terrible decision he made.
One highlight of Tyler's perspective is his relationship with his co-worker, Mason. Mason and his wife are at the party the night of the rape and they are the ones who bring Amber home after everything happens (she doesn't tell them, but Mason suspects something is wrong). Mason is a strong person who is not afraid to tell his friend that he isn't on his side. He has seen both sides of the story, in a way. Despite this, it seems as though he has faith that Tyler could change, which is a kindness rarely extended to a rapist.
It's important that Tyler own up to and be charged for his actions. It's too easy to play the blame game with Amber and get away with it. The fact that this is so easy is infuriating. However, if he does come forward, is redemption possible? Can Tyler be a better person? There's a lot to chew on here.
One highlight of Tyler's perspective is his relationship with his co-worker, Mason. Mason and his wife are at the party the night of the rape and they are the ones who bring Amber home after everything happens (she doesn't tell them, but Mason suspects something is wrong). Mason is a strong person who is not afraid to tell his friend that he isn't on his side. He has seen both sides of the story, in a way. Despite this, it seems as though he has faith that Tyler could change, which is a kindness rarely extended to a rapist.
It's important that Tyler own up to and be charged for his actions. It's too easy to play the blame game with Amber and get away with it. The fact that this is so easy is infuriating. However, if he does come forward, is redemption possible? Can Tyler be a better person? There's a lot to chew on here.
Amber
As a woman, she is terrified of reporting Tyler's actions to the police because she allows herself to believe that she brought it upon herself. Because she was drinking and flirting and genuinely believed she wanted to hook up with Tyler initially, she feels like she's to blame. Despite telling Tyler to stop before anything got too far, she knows she allowed the dancing and kissing to happen because she wanted them to. She is acutely aware of how common victim-blaming is. The rapist gets away with their actions because they were "led on" or the victim was dressed provocatively or initiated the first kiss.
This is another important lesson in consent. Some people change their minds. Some people are into a person and want to kiss them. Some people let their guard down and throw caution to the wind. The second they decide they no longer want to do anything, no matter how far along things have gotten, is the second things need to stop. If they don't, that's when it becomes sexual assault.
Seeing the affect of the assault on Amber is so important. There are many ways that people deal with this sort of trauma. Amber goes through a lot of emotional, physical, and mental changes. Hatvany brings up flashes of the rape throughout the book as a reminder of what it's like to be in Amber's mind. Though that makes the book upsetting to read at times, it is so helpful to the story and to empathize with Amber's situation.
Amber has also suffered from an eating disorder for the majority of her life, so we see a common pressure placed on women in this book as well. A lot of her need to be thin stems from the fact that her parents insisted she was a "miracle" and she spent a lot of her youth being smaller than the rest of her peers. She was different and she equated that with being special. Her eating disorder stems from a skewed perspective of self-worth, believing that she will only be special and continue to succeed in her parents eyes if she stays small.
Amber has also suffered from an eating disorder for the majority of her life, so we see a common pressure placed on women in this book as well. A lot of her need to be thin stems from the fact that her parents insisted she was a "miracle" and she spent a lot of her youth being smaller than the rest of her peers. She was different and she equated that with being special. Her eating disorder stems from a skewed perspective of self-worth, believing that she will only be special and continue to succeed in her parents eyes if she stays small.
Overall
I have some nitpick-y thoughts that are holding me back from the full 5 stars, but I believe that this is an important book and that so many people will learn a lot from it. I am glad that a book like this exists, especially in these times where people still struggle to understand what consent is. (More spoilery thoughts on my Goodreads review.)
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